Thursday, 10 November 2011

Ho hum

I just had a completely unexpectedly horrible day. Deeply upset. Walking in circles in Oxford Street in floods of tears, bumping into people. (No one died). And you know what I realised – I can deal with difficult stuff! In the face of a real challenge, I actually tend to behave like a grown-up. I was upset, and then I did what needed to be done. Whatever the outcome, I think I learned something: that the worst part of my life is the lack of challenge in it. I am so depleted by tedium, by having nothing demanded of me but patience and endurance. It makes me smaller and more scared and helpless every day. Counter-intuitively (because the more depleted I feel, the less I feel capable of), I need to get out there and face some hard things – it’s the only way to be less scared. I probably knew this already, of course - It’s rather obvious. Experiencing it is something else.

10 comments:

Sandra Davies said...

Horrible but had to be done. And I know about that no demand, nothing achieved state of mind. Hope this proves to be something of a longish-lasting self-administered kick for you.

Dale said...

xoxo

yes

Dorothee said...

good that you walked through this day the way you did. reading your note made me think of this life advice: "Every day, do something scary."

and the other line that came to mind: difficult things become easy by doing them. and easy things become difficult by not doing them.

~~~~

Dorothee said...

and now i just realized i got the 1st quote wrong. it's: "Every day, do something that scares you."

Rachel Fox said...

I've walked around London crying a few times (one spectacular time on trains and buses too). It's strangely liberating in its way.

Glad you're finding some direction, some strength.
x

Sabine said...

Yes, that's it. Someone wise and supportive told me when things once were really bad: Just watch what happens and be surprised. You will know what you need to do when it really matters.
Don't let your imagination hold you back.

Lucy said...

Glad you got through it and come out the other side feeling better. Take care, as I seem to keep saying.

marja-leena said...

Horrible feeling at first, but better in the end - good for you, Jean! Wishing continuing strength. Perfect image, too.

liliannattel said...

That makes so much sense to me.

Natalie said...

Yes, what they all said. Good for you that you made the bad into something useful.